Hans Moleman
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Hans Moleman is one of the recurring characters of The Simpsons. Voiced by Dan Castellaneta, he is a fan favorite. He normally appears in a running gag, where he usually suffers unfortunate, nearly always tragic, events.
Hans Moleman is the retconned name of a 4'4" 140-lb mole-like man with extremely bad luck. Although apparently elderly, he claims to be only thirty-one (his driver's license says he was born August 2, 1961). He has cataracts and is almost entirely blind (which has severely impaired his reading ability), and has used medical marijuana. The name of "Ralph Melish" was given to him in episode 7F15, "Principal Charming". Like several other characters (Sea Captain, Comic Book Guy, "that annoying guy who says yes") in recent years, his real name fell into disuse as the show moved away from Jim Brooks-guided realism.
Hans drives a 1977 AMC Gremlin, and carries a brown cane with him everywhere, which has once been shown to contain a hidden sword within it. In the episode Selma's Choice, Hans Moleman goes on a date with Selma Bouvier (during her desperation crisis to find a man to impregnate her). Selma abruptly ended the date when she imagined what their children would look like.
He runs an early morning radio show, on Springfield's jazz station, in which he introduces himself as "This is Moleman in the Morning, Good Moleman to you". He also teaches an orange eating class.
When Homer hired cult deprogrammers to return Bart to him, they kidnapped Hans by mistake. He was soon "deprogrammed" and returned to Homer and Marge: "Mom, Dad, I missed you. Cowabunga, dudes!"
He once entered a short film in the Springfield Film Festival called "Man Getting Hit By Football." The highlight of this film (in fact, the only scene) is reminiscent of the "Funniest Videos" television shows: Hans awaits a passed football, but he misses the catch, the ball hits him in the crotch, he falls to the ground in pain. George C. Scott later won (within the fictional "Simpsons Universe") an Oscar for playing the role in a remake of the film.
In one episode in which Homer attempts suicide but falls down a manhole cover, we see a brief glimpse of an entire race of mole people in an intricately decorated cave. Hans Moleman, apparently the leader and dressed in ceremonial garb, is at the controls of an earthquake machine. This is undeniably a one-off joke, and is a reference to the very first issue of Fantastic Four, in which the four battled "The Mole Man" who also had similar machines. In a Treehouse of Horror XVI, a witch who transformed everyone into the Halloween costumes that they were wearing turned Hans Moleman into a mole, even though he wasn't wearing one.
Hans has escaped death innumerable times, usually highly improbably. He survived his car blowing up, catching on fire thanks to the powerful magnifying effect of his glasses, and capital punishment (among others). Many times people will totally disregard him, usually leading to something like death, or simply imprisonment. Because of this, some have speculated that there have been multiple identical molemen who are assumed to be Hans (much like the similarly ubiquitous Squeaky Voiced Teen).
His home address is 320 Oak Grove, Springfield, USA 90701. In reality, '90701' is the Zip code for Artesia, California.
Quotes
- "I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big..."
- "Well, you're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun."
- "This isn't my house."
- "My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!"
- "I was saying Boo-urns."
- "We paid for blood!"
- "Nobody's gay for Moleman."
- "I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me."
- "If only the sugar were as sweet as you." ("Lisa's Rival")
- "Hello. This is Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every daaay..."
- "Oh no, my brain!"it:Hans Uomo Talpa