Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray describing psychological differences between men and women, and offers a guide for improving husband-wife relationships by understanding the emotional needs of the opposite sex.
An example of the theories it offers is that when women complain about problems, they merely want their problems to be acknowledged, and to feel listened to. When men complain about problems, they are asking for solutions. John Gray suggests that offering solutions to a woman who is complaining will frustrate her, and make her feel as if she's not being listened to. Just sympathising with a man will be similarly frustrating for him, since he's asking for your advice, not your sympathy.
Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.
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Point System
Gray suggests that while a man might count a $200 item as 20 points and a $10 item as 1 point, women count each item as 1 point. The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks he has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.
The Cave
Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or craft room. On the other hand, he believes that women want to discuss problems when they occur. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman constantly tries to grow closer. This becomes the major source of conflict between any man and woman.
A woman when under stress is going to relieve her stress by talking more about it which the man may interpret as complain or even blame. However in terms of woman (or Venusian language) it is just sharing a problem and not seeking a solution. The man on the other hand has a basic instinct to give solution because Martians (that is, men) do not discuss a problem unless they seek a solution from a fellow Martian. This can become a big bone of contention between any husband and wife because a wife may only be trying to relieve her stress by discussing (sharing) a problem, whereas the husband is interpreting it as a complaint or a blame and a solution finding measure. So he interrupts her discussion by giving his solution, which she interprets as undue interruption, because she is not seeking the solution. The author suggests to avoid this conflict the strategy for a man is to understand this situation and silently listen to her and refrain from giving his solution. Once she has been heard she will herself get de-stressed and normalize.
Criticism
The book has been called sexist and chauvinistic. For example, John Gray claims that men go into their “caves” to solve problems and they value “power, competency, efficiency, and achievement”, while women are like “waves” who become overwhelmed by problems and they value “love, communication, beauty and relationships”. This appears to give men the active role and women the passive role.
Another criticism is that Gray does not provide references to the research to back up his claims and that they are based on his personal experiences and opinions rather than formal scientific trials. Indeed there are many studies which contradict the claim that men and women act as if they are “from different planets”. A meta-analysis by Professor Janet Hyde found that “on most psychological characteristics, males and females are more alike than different”. Template:Ref
When sex differences do occur, there is normally considerable overlap between the sexes. For example, women are more likely than men to disclose problems to a friend or partner, but the difference is only about 10 percentage points Template:Ref. This suggests that the generalizations in Gray’s book will not apply to many men and women and that they are simplifications of the real world.
One defence of the book from these claims is that Gray specifically distances his descriptions of "male" and "female" traits by attaching them not to genders but to planets and their citizens. His attribute claims hold more weight if applied to people with relatively very dominant "male" hormones (androgens) or "female" hormones (mainly estrogens). Nearly everyone is somewhere in the middle, but any given man is more likely to be on the Martian end of the scale than the Venusian one (and vice versa for a woman).
Trivia
- The Tom and Ray Magliozzi, the Car Talk guys spoofed the title of this book on their comedy album Men are from GM, Women are from Ford.
- The band Men From Earth deliberately spoofed the title of this famous book when choosing their name. In similar way, one man a cappella rock band Paska named its debut album "Women Are From Venus, Men From Anus.
- The university where Dr. Gray got his diploma was founded two years before he received his doctorate and it no longer exists. The legitimacy of Dr. Gray's Ph.D.has been disputed. Dr. Gray appeared on an episode of Penn & Teller's "Bullshit!" which covered the self-help industry.