Digitiser

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Digitiser (not to be confused with a digitizer) was a video games magazine that was broadcast on the Teletext service on Channel 4 in the UK from 1993 to 2003, and (save for nine months during 2002 when it went to three days a week) was updated daily. During those ten years, it gained a cult following of up to 1.5 million readers at points, who lauded the magazine for its constant use of surreal humour, which was often risque, as well as its games coverage, which - while lacking the screenshots afforded by its paper-based rivals - could be some of the most accurate, informed, and up-to-date to be found anywhere.

Digitiser was created by Paul Rose, aka Mr Biffo, and Tim Moore, aka Mr Hairs, both now established writers in their own fields. They wrote Digitiser together for the first four years of its existence, with Biffo writing more or less solo for the remaining six years.

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History

Digitiser revelled in controversy, inspiring vitriolic criticism both from various external groups, and Teletext's editorial team, who viewed the writers as troublemakers, but were unable to axe them due to the magazine's phenomenal popularity. Pages were often altered without the writers being told, with sub-editors sometimes deleting entire frames of reviews, fearing that they were missing some risque gag which might cost them their job. Hilariously, Digitiser's use of language was such that its writers saw this as a challenge to slip in many more subtle, yet far more risque, gags which - while lost on Teletext staffers - didn't get past its audience.

Campaigns were even waged to have Digitiser's writing team fired - both within Teletext by its editorial minions, and beyond (by disgruntled Amiga, Sega, Sony, or Nintendo fans, not to mention the staff of Mean Machines and Official Nintendo magazines - whom Digitiser frequently poked fun at). Such reactions merely served to redouble Biffo's resolve to be controversial and edgy, and as he often wrote on the letters pages, Digitiser "hates everyone equally, man".

For everyone who hated Digitiser, there were dozens more who loved it, both for its fair and unbiased judgements of games, its informed style, and its unique and often bizarre tone. Doubtless, Biffo's battles with his employers helped to give Digitiser a defiant, anti-establishment air.

Things finally came to a head in 2002, when Teletext gained a new senior editorial team, who lost patience with Biffo's pushing of the envelope of what was acceptable on a mainstream text service. Even though they couldn't quite bring themselves to get rid of Digitiser and Biffo altogether, their gross misunderstanding of what made it popular - indeed, what makes anything popular - was shown when they ordered that the magazine be reduced to three days a week, and have all humour and character stripped from the pages. Despite massive evidence to the contrary, and being one of the most popular features sections on Teletext, Biffo has said since that he was told the reason for this was because the humour "excluded people".

It seemed as if the "suits" had finally won, and with Biffo's screenwriting career taking off at the time, he could've chosen to walk away from it all. However, he chose to stay on, writing the pages anonymously, as it only took 45 minutes out of his working day. "Money for old rope," he has said subsequently.

The decision later backfired on Teletext, when Digitiser's viewing figures plummeted to half of what it had been previously, and viewers spent the next nine months inundating the company with letters of complaint, demanding it be restored. After literally thousands of emails and letters had poured into Teletext they were forced to go back on their previous decision, and asked Biffo to reinstate the humour, and return Digitiser to its daily glory. However, for Biffo the damage had been done, and his last shreds of faith in the company had been shattered. He returned Digitiser to its best for one final, five month run as a thankyou to the fans - which included a special ten year anniversary celebration, complete with a glowing eulogy by author Alex Garland - before Biffo handed in his notice in December 2002. The lights finally went out on just over ten years of Digitiser on 9th March 2003.

Digitiser was replaced by Game Central, which featured the same number of sub-pages, but none of the humour.

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The writers

The founding writers of Digitiser were Mr Biffo (Paul Rose) and Mr Hairs (Tim Moore) who, as Biffo himself says, only began working on it in order to "amuse ourselves and get free games". Hairs was fired by Teletext in May 1996, and Biffo continued to write the bulk of the magazine solo, apart for occasional, part-time contributors, who helped him out with the letters, tips, and charts pages.

These temporary assistants went by the names Mr Cheese, Mr Udders and Mr Toast. Digitiser also ran a weekly opinion column, written by various guest writers, usually prominent members of the games journalist community (such as Violet Berlin and Stuart Campbell).

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Regular characters

Regular characters appeared on the service both to fill up space left by short reviews and letters, and also to flesh out the content provided by the writers.

The Man - The Man kept a regular diary in which he would detail the job he had been doing that week, before (usually) getting fired at the end of the week. One of The Man's jobs saw him working in a burger bar. He was eventually fired when he replaced the toilet paper with gloves from the lost property box, and someone froze to death in the toilet.

The Man's Daddy - a bizarre ant/elephant creature who declared himself to be a famous comedian. His jokes tended to be disjointed, usually relying on a nonsense answer. His jokes included: Question. Why did Superman wear his pants outside his trousers? Answer. Because he was a pervert.

Mr T - A take on Mr T from The A Team, who would dispense worldly advice, while warning kids to stay away from his bins.

Phoning Honey - Would phone up stores in order to make prank calls, and present the transcript for readers' perusal.

Fat Sow - Presented the news page, and began every article with a wild insult, and a demand that the reader stop whatever they are doing to pay attention to the rant.

Zombie Dave - A reanimated corpse who appeared on the news page and punctuated the items with comments written in the manner of the shambling dead. This was frequently used as an excuse to get rude comments screened on the family-friendly service, such as when he described Tomb Raider's Lara Croft as "thrr brrrd wrrz thrr tttrrrdz".

Insincere Dave - A send-up of fanboys, marketing staff and ultra-positive reviewers; in particular the over enthusiastic Dave Gibbons who at that time was the games reviewer for the BBC Ceefax service. Dave would comment briefly on the news items of the day in an overly optimistic and enthusiastic fashion. Famously, any spare space on the line his comments occupied would be filled with exclamation marks, further emphasising his "sincerity." Example: on a story about a pink casing accessory for the Sega Dreamcast, Dave commented that, "Now your DC can be in the pink!!!!!!!". Very occasionally, a more deadpan Dave would appear: on a story regarding Microsoft's intention to ensure that the Xbox marketing budget outweighed Sony's PS2 expenditure, Dave remarked that, "Money is the most important thing." Dave's comments were usually preceded by a rather acid take on the day's gaming events, adding a further element of juxtaposition to Dave's enthusiasm.

The Snakes - A pair of beatboxing snakes, which would argue in a manner similar to that of Ali G. Led to the catchphrase "I Cuss You Bad", along with the use of the word "Skank".

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Reveal button

The reveal button was a feature that was made heavy use of on Digitiser. Pressing this key on your television remote made some previously hidden text appear, sometimes with a blinking effect. Typical jokes would tell you to press reveal to see what a certain character thought of your letter, or a news item, and you would be presented with a surreal non-sequitur, such as a man shouting "Swayze!"

The most controversial "Reveal-O" (as they were often called - see "Digi-Speak") appeared right at the end of Digitiser's life, on the final page of the final letters section. It purported to be a picture of "the real Turner The Worm (a cartoon character from Teletext also created by Rose) being sick". Pressing the reveal button then uncovered an image that many have likened to a recently-ejaculated penis.

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Digi-Speak

A further element of Digitiser's other-worldly charm was its unusual take on the English language. Often this amounted to little more than using "the" in unusual places or adding curious suffixes to existing words (including, but not limited to -uss, -O,, -ston, -Oh! and -me-do), but occasionally invented whole new sounds using words that never been used in that context, such as "huss" becoming an exclamation of some joy rather than, as is more common, a variety of dogfish.

Using tramps as similies ("That's like putting lipstick on a dead tramp and calling it a supermodel"), the phrase moc-moc-a-moc and irrelevent sentences which read merely "And!" were all elements of the Digitiser lexicon.

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External links

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