Nice guy syndrome

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"Nice Guy Syndrome" is a folk psychology term describing an adult male who seeks sexual attraction and romantic intimacy, but only finds cordial friendship and platonic love. The term originates from a type of platitude often heard by such men ("You're a really nice guy and all, but...").

The "nice guy" is typically a pleasant, intelligent and highly considerate male and with low or misguided confidence (especially with women). These traits often lead to afflicted men being a very good listener, and articulate and expressive speakers. They are also more negatively polite than their peers. Such men are often frustrated, if not indignant, about their romantic trouble.

According to some, men abuse the theory of the nice guy syndrome to justify lack of interest from "hot women." They counter that these men make no effort to find "nice girls."

William Sheldon's currently discredited somatotype theory stated that many of the personality and physical traits associated with "nice guys" were linked. Such men were of the ectomorph type. Some have linked this type to low levels of testosterone.

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Theories

The following theories have much overlap -- the truth is likely to be a combination of them. More scientific research is needed.

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Friend/lover trait confusion

One theory about the origin of the syndrome is that it results from the affected males having a false perception of what "nice girls" (the women they desire) want in a lover. The "nice guys" believe that "deep down", these women sexually value certain traits more highly than they do, and underestimate the sexual value of others.

They usually believe that these women want their men to be intelligent and highly considerate of their needs. Conversely, they believe these women dislike stupidity and arrogance, and abhor misogyny and violence expressed towards them. "Nice guys" also usually believe that "nice girls" place less value on physical attractiveness (especially the muscles), muscular strength, cardiovascular endurance, and confidence than other women do (see Sexual attraction).

Popular cultural sources diverse as many sitcoms to the New Testament express this opinion. "Nice guys" being romantically paired with "nice girls" is a common fictional motif, especially in works created for men.

However, this view is misguided. "Nice girls" are not as different from normal as perceived. While they do tend to value the "nice" attributes, it is mainly on a platonic level. A "nice guy" who does not also have traits deemed sexually attractive is a likely sufferer of the syndrome. If he does have these traits, he might not even be considered a "nice guy", no matter how nice he is.

Women are often sexually attracted to men who are not nice, either because the attractiveness of their other traits overpower the negativity of their nastyness, or the nastyness is desired.

When a "nice girl" type friend of a "nice guy" enters into an intimate relationship with a relatively chauvinistic or abusive male, the "nice guy" is often highly confused or upset. This mental anguish occurs because he cannot reconcile his understanding of women with his vastly different experience. Yet despite the disparity, his erroneous belief does not change (see Milton Rokeach).

He continues to be what he is, and may even try harder to live up to his self-defeating "nice guy" ideals. His lack of success with women further reduces his confidence with them (and often in general).

While similar to the Ladder theory, this theory is not as diametric. Men can be on both "ladders" under this theory, even if a woman doesn't realize it.

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Biology

Biological science and evolutionary psychology have explained a possible evolutionary role for the "nice guys" of this theory. Humans can act like the cuckoo - the eggs are fertilized by one father, but another bird raises the children.

Studies have found that ovulating women prefer men with testosterone-influenced characteristics they consider "rough", while women in other parts of their menstrual cycle prefer men that look like "nice guys". Nasty types are preferred for short term flings (primarily involving sex), while "nice guys" are preferred for long term relationships (which often include child rearing). [1] [2] [3].


The effect on this system of the contraceptive pill and the cessasion of ovulation it causes, is likely to be great.

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Too nice

Another theory is that as a general matter, women enjoy men who make them feel "special," who seem to value them above the rest of the world. As a "nice guy" is generally nice to most people, women may not feel that they are put above the world when interacting with him. The "bar is raised," as it were. Thus, under this theory, the contrast between the way the woman is treated versus the rest of the world may be the critical factor.

Others believe that because a nice guy is indeed generally nice to most people, a woman who may otherwise have been attracted may come to misperceive a clingy or needy aura from the nice guy by virtue of the fact he may seem overly nice compared to most people. Clinginess or neediness are usually seen as highly undesirable, though these traits may foster security and loyalty later in an intimate relationship.

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Passive aggression

Dr Robert A Glover's "nice guy" theory is that the "nice guy's" relationship problems are due to passive aggression. He believes the niceness requires the men to suppress the overt expression of their desires, which leads to less direct covert expression. This can lead to many relationship problems, including an inability to form romantic relationships with women. His cure is to treat the passive aggression. He also acknowledges trait confusion in sufferers.

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Ladder theory

The Ladder theory states that heterosexual women sort all men into two groups, friendly men and sexy men. A man cannot be in both groups at once. The members of both groups are on separate ladders, with the most friendly on top of one, and the most sexy on the top of the other. "Nice guys" believe that by climbing the friendly ladder, they can get closer to the top of the sexy one, but they are mistaken.

These men fail to see that there are two ladders, largely because they only have one ladder for women. Anything positive a woman does or is raises her position.

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Love-shyness

Love-shyness is a concept created by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin. It describes a chronic shyness some men have of women, while at the same time highly valuing them. He estimates that 1.5% of American men have it. The "love-shy" are a subset of "nice guys".

The love-shy value women much more than ordinary men, and desire intimate relationships (both mental and physical) with them more than anything. However, their passiveness and other traits make them highly unattractive to women.

Its cause is speculated to be a number of things, including low maternal testosterone during fetal development, hypoglycemia, nasal polyps and certain forms of parenting. Each of these could be important to the development of "nice guys" in general.

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Disputed existence

It should be pointed out that "nice guy syndrome" currently lacks credible psychological theories describing cause, effect and typical behavior, and even its existence is a point of debate. The concept of love-shyness has been explored in greater depth by psychologists, but is only tangentially related to this syndrome.

Several dating gurus discuss this phenomenon and attempt to offer solutions for it.

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Dr. Robert A. Glover

In No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert A. Glover describes the "Nice Guy Syndrome." Glover writes with a slightly masculist perspective from his experience as a therapist. He views the Nice Guy Syndrome as a problem to be cured. Unlike some self-described nice guys, he does not ascribe the supposed female rejection of "nice guys" to poor female taste. He believes "nice guys" to be troubled by depression, low self-esteem, internalized toxic shame, and confusion over roles, and that these issues make "nice guys" less attractive to women.

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External links

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Essays

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Books

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Discussion Groups

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Bibliography

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See also

zh:好人文化 zh-min-nan:Hó-lâng lūn-su̍t zh-yue:好人文化

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