Stonecutters
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The Sacred Order of the Stonecutters is a fictional secret society from the animated television show The Simpsons. They appeared in the sixth season episode Homer the Great. The episode revolves around Homer's discovery of the brotherhood and emergence as leader. The Stonecutters was conceived of as a parody of secret societies in general, and Freemasonry in particular.
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The secret society
The Stonecutters was founded around the year 500AD. Although it vows to split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth, most of the group's activities are devoted to drinking lots of beer and mindless entertainment. It has a long history of these pointless gatherings; indeed, all of America's Founding Fathers were members; they launched into a drinking binge to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
Its existence is hidden from the public, known only to members, and has chapters all over the world. Springfield's members include various residents or guests (see below) who enjoy special privileges, such as free vending machine items and vibrating chairs at work.
The Stonecutters meet every Wednesday at a giant pyramid-shaped building, pay homage to their Sacred Parchment, get drunk and play ping-pong. Their leader is Number One (voiced by Patrick Stewart). Each member is assigned a number and rank based on the order in which he joined. Montgomery Burns may lord over Springfield, but, at The Temple, he is only #29, entitling his higher-ranking employees to humiliate him. Interestingly enough, almost every adult male in Springfield is a Stonecutter.
Homer Simpson is having a bad week but discovers Lenny and Carl get to work right on time, always have great parking spaces and other special privileges he doesn't. When Homer asks how they came about these privileges, they follow up by a long silence until Lenny says, "It's a secret." Carl responds by telling Lenny to shut up.
Homer realizes that something is not right, and notices that Lenny and Carl are always busy on Wednesday night. Although he promises Marge that he won't, he follows Lenny and Carl on a Wednesday night and, in turn, is lead to the Stonecutters' secret hangout.
How Homer joins the Stonecutters
Homer climbs up onto the skylight on the roof of the pyramid and peers through the glass to see what is going on inside, but due to his weight, the glass breaks and he falls through. He begs them to join the club, but they refuse, stating that the only way to become a member is to either be the son of a Stonecutter or save the life of a Stonecutter.
After he cannot save the life of a Stonecutter, he flees home feeling rejected, knowing he will never join. At the end of the table while the conversation of Homer's anger is underway Grandpa Simpson is repeatedly saying, "I'm a member," but is completely ignored. When Homer finally realises what Grandpa is saying, the latter takes him to the secret society, and after a painful initiation process (consisting of being hit repeatedly by wooden paddles), Homer joins the Stonecutters, and is given the title of #908.
The benefits of membership
After Homer joins the (seemingly) exclusive club, he is entitled to the benefits bestowed upon members. These include:
- a secret passageway to the nuclear plant, with chandeliers, fine art, and classical music in order to avoid the traffic jam
- expedited plumbing service
- Rollerblades to "glide to the front door" of the plant (but the same bad parking spot)
- a personalized chair similar to that of Lenny and Carl
- stickers instructing police not to give Homer a speeding ticket and preventing paramedics from stealing Homer's wallet
- the "real number" for 911 (which is, of course, 912)
- a variety of beer-based activities (keggers, steinhoists, etc.) and, for good measure, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings
- a ring that grants him free vending machine items
Homer: The Chosen One
While enjoying barbecue ribs, Homer, not having a napkin, uses the Sacred Parchment as a bib. As the others look on horrified, he uses it to blow his nose and clean his ears, totally destroying it. The Parchment contains the Stonecutters' rules, basis, and the prophecy of a Chosen One who will lead them to greatness. Number One, citing Homer's "utterly baffling behavior," declares he be excommunicated: stripped naked and forced to drag home a "stone of shame" on a chain around his neck.
After being stripped (and his robes burned), it is discovered that Homer has a birthmark on his backside in the shape of the Stonecutters' logo, identifying him as The Chosen One. The "stone of shame" is replaced with an even bigger "stone of triumph" which Homer has to drag to the top of Mount Springfield.
The end of the Stonecutters
At first, Homer basks in his new-found status (he takes special delight at how the others must genuflect to him.) But he soon becomes disillusioned. "Your power has isolated you," Lisa tells him. She advises that the one way he will find meaning and fulfillment is to use the Stonecutters' resources to help the less-fortunate.
Less than a week of being forced to do good deeds, the members have had it with their Chosen One: "He's gone mad with power!" Moe declares. After input from the Stonecutters World Council (Orville Redenbacher, Mr. T, Jack Nicholson and George H. W. Bush), Number One decides the only thing to do is abandon the Temple. They form a new society, "The Ancient Society of No-Homers," headquartered in an abandoned Baskin-Robbins parlor, reducing Homer to reenact the American Civil War with colobus monkeys. As one might expect, Homer is not allowed to join, though they do have someone named Homer Glumplich (whom Homer knew as a child) as a member, because they say they can have only one person named Homer (claiming that the name refers to Homers in the plural).
Homer's family cheers him up by letting him join the extremely elite society of the Simpson Family, whereupon he is subjected to yet more paddling.
"We Do" (The Stonecutters' Song)
"We Do" is the anthem of the Stonecutters, which testifies to their far-reaching influence. For a copy of We do, go to http://krustylustudios.com/william
- Who controls the British Crown?
- Who keeps the metric system down?
- We Do! We Do!
- Who holds back the electric car?
- Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
- We Do! We Do!
Springfield Stonecutters Members
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- Number One
- Homer Simpson
- Lenny Leonard
- Carl Carlson
- Abe Simpson
- Dewey Largo
- Seymour Skinner
- Julius Hibbert
- Montgomery Burns
- Waylon Smithers
- Herman
- Chief Wiggum
- Moe Szyslak
- Krusty the Clown
- Sideshow Mel
- Kirk van Houten
- Kent Brockman
- Joe Quimby
- Groundskeeper Willy
- Jasper
- Barney Gumble
- Scott Christian
- George Herbert Walker Bush
- Assistant Superintendent Leopold
Homer Glumplich is seen as a member of the No Homers Club and The Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers. The idea that he was a Stonecutter may or may not be an accurate assumption.
A green Martian, Steve Guttenberg, Adolf Hitler, and a man in an egg costume (The Egg Council Guy) are also seen, though they may have been guests.
Episode Trivia
- In this episode there is an unusually high number of helicopter crashes. Number one is Arnie Pie in the traffic copter, number 2 is in the DVD deleted scenes when Homer "stalks..." Lenny and Carl. The third is when Homer is painting a building for charity covering up the word "Graffiti" spraypainted multiple times on the building.