Weekly World News
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The Weekly World News (WWN) is a humorous tabloid newspaper published by American Media Inc. It combines wire reports of strange imaginary news with in-house writings and columns. There was also a short lived TV version on the USA Network in the style of network news shows.
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Description
Launched in 1979, the WWN has traditionally claimed it always prints the truth (typical slogan: "Nothing but the truth: The Weekly World News!"). But as so many of the stories are obviously fake, it seems these claims are intended as a joke. It is worth noting that while the tabloid's main rival The Sun carried a fine print disclaimer, the WWN never publicly questioned the accuracy of its own stories until 2004, when the paper began stating that "the reader should suspend disbelief for the sake of enjoyment". In recent years, The Sun has moved more towards articles on health, miracle cures, and strange-but-true stories, leaving the WWN alone in its unique niche of basing an entire weekly publication on made-up "news". The WWN has perhaps grown even more farcical and outlandish in the 2000s.
When most of the supermarket tabloids were acquired by Fleet Street publishers they switched to celebrity gossip, but the Weekly World News remains devoted to weirdness. The WWN is also unique in that it is printed entirely in black and white. Like most of the tabloids in the U.S., the Weekly World News is published in Boca Raton, Florida. Its longtime editor was Eddie Clontz, who left the paper in 2001 and died in 2004.[1]
Regular columns include Ed Anger (opinion), Dotti Primrose (advice) and Serena and Sonya Sabak (psychic).
Semi-regular stories follow the progress of Bat Boy, the half-bat, half-boy superhero; and P'lod, an extraterrestrial who became involved in Earth politics and had an affair with Hillary Clinton. Other recurring themes include the oncoming great depression/apocalypse, and newly found lost prophecies. A new addition is cartoonist Peter Bagge's "Adventures of Batboy".
Likewise, throughout 2003, just prior to the capture of Saddam Hussein, and persisting after his capture, WWN ran a series of articles on an alleged (and obviously made-up) romance between Hussein and Osama bin Laden.
The "couple" apparently had a steamy, sensual affair, before a wedding was performed, with Hussein as the bride and bin Laden as the groom. Later, they traveled the globe, ending up in France. They adopted a shaved ape that posed as a human child. After an argument, Hussein left for Iraq to be comforted in his home town Tikrit by family and friends, and hid in the spider hole until Bat Boy discovered him.
In the recent past, WWN ran a story claiming that George W. Bush was openly campaigning to become the next Pope.
WWN has also produced series of stories on alien abductions, the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and time travel. (In one of the latest, Iraq is revealed to possess a time tunnel capable of facilitating time travel.)
The WWN is credited with starting the wave of Elvis sightings in the early 1990s with a series of articles claiming that Elvis Presley had faked his death and had recently emerged from years of seclusion to prepare for a comeback. Obviously altered photos purported to show a gray-haired balding Elvis sneaking into a movie theater and coming out of a Burger King restaurant. When the US Postal Service conducted a poll to determine the design of the Elvis commemorative postage stamp, the WWN conducted its own poll pitting the USPS' 1950s Elvis and 1970s Elvis versus their own 1990s Elvis. The WWN's Elvis naturally won.
Sometimes stories published in the Weekly World News will send shock waves through the legal and law enforcement communities. For example, in early 1989, WWN published startling photographs on the front page of executed serial killer, Ted Bundy, on the autopsy table. Electrode burns on Bundy's shaved head with his fixed and dilated pupils staring into space could clearly be seen in the photographs. Angry and surprised officials in Florida vowed to catch the person responsible. Eventually, a low-level employee of the Alachua County, Florida Medical Examiners office was arrested and charged with taking and selling the photographs.
More recently, however, WWN has gone through some drastic changes. Beginning on May 9th, 2005, the Weekly World News went "All New", along with other tabloid papers, such as the National Enquirer who recently became "Bigger•Bolder•Better". In the new Weekly World News, two regular columns were dropped, Serena and Sonya Sabak's psychic column and Dotti Primrose's "Dear Dotti". WWN explains that the Sabak sisters left to study meditation in India, however left nothing about the whereabouts of Dotti. Ed Anger is the only regular column that remains. WWN now has a weekly "Weird Picture Search" as well as "Weekly World News Junior", a page of news that is designated for younger readers (but is still humorous to adult readers). The short-lasting "Hometown Hottie" feature was also dropped, but the "Page 5 Girl" feature was salvaged. Also making the scene is WWN's new feature, "Miss Adventure". This feature tells of "America's Gayest Hero", a homosexual man who has penetrated the mob, gone to Hollywood, and having numerous adventures.
Oprah has often been the item of WWN's articles, such as "Oprah's gay scandal," "Oprah is an alien," and "Oprah ate my baby."
More recently, Weekly World News developed an e-mail survey that is sent out each week that reads:
To participate in this week's survey, please log onto our web site. You'll find some of our proposed covers for an upcoming issue. Please tell us which one you would be most likely to buy at the newsstand. Please be sure you to complete the survey as soon as possible.
Thank you again for helping make Weekly World News even better.
Recurring Subjects
Bat Boy
Possibly the best known of all the stories to come out of WWN. Bat Boy was first featured in a 1992 issue after being found in a cave. He has since led police on a high speed chase, fought in the war on terror, led the troops to capture Saddam Hussein, and traveled into Outer Space. In 2000, he gave his endorsement to Al Gore. It was foretold that Bat Boy would become president in 2024.
Page 5 Girl
Each week a different model is featured on page 5 and on the back page. She is usually wearing a bikini and a description of her is printed.
Elvis Presley
Weekly World News is often credited as starting the Elvis is alive rumors in the mid-'90s. Numerous stories have been published featuring photos and interviews with a healthy, but notably aged Elvis Presley.
On September 6, 2004 the Weekly World News released an interview with Elvis— the first since faking his death on August 16, 1977. The King admitted to being hooked real bad on prescription drugs and had to fake his death to escape the stresses that stardom was bringing. The King, now striken with arthritis, says his coffin contains a double — the body of Jesse Presley, the twin that Presley's mother, Gladys, and father, Vernon, insisted had been stillborn.
Elvis, who is currently living in a 14-room log home in upstate New York, says "Jesse was born with brain damage and he grew up in a home. When he finally died of a heart attack in 1977, I knew it was a sign from God. The Lord was telling me that if I didn't stop taking drugs and get out of the music business, I'd be dead soon, too. I hope fans will forgive me, because I didn't have a choice. I had to go into hiding- I couldn't go on living that way."
Surprisingly enough, Presley invited Weekly World News own reporter, Dorian Wagner, into his home (in a location they couldn't, for obvious reasons, disclose). Elvis told the Weekly World News that he was tempted many times to "call one of the TV networks or The National Enquirer."
The King declined to answer questions about his family — ex-wife Priscilla Presley and daughter Lisa Marie — although he did let it slip that he is "very proud of that young lady."
Weekly World News reports that he was slightly more talkative about old friends and relatives, some of whom rushed to capitalize on his name after he faked his death and went into hiding, as he puts it, "in the mountains of North Carolina, up near Cherokee where a man can disappear as long as he wants to."
Interestingly enough, The King — who admits that he was "blowed up like an old toad fish" when he disappeared from public view almost three decades ago — is still on the chunky side.
This seemed odd, given the fact that he snacked on fresh organic veggies and roasted tofu throughout the interview — until he revealed that he "still likes to fry up peanut butter and banana sandwiches in a couple of sticks of butter," creating the high-calorie, heart-clogging snack that he made famous.
Intriguingly, he went on to insist that he "absolutely, positively does not live alone."
He refused to elaborate, but the interviewer noticed two pairs of petite pantyhose and a breast enhancing "Wonder Bra" hanging from the shower head in a bathroom, indicating that at least one of the "old friends" and perhaps the person who lives with Elvis is a woman.
Presley says he sings "every day of my life, but only in the shower."
As for how he has occupied himself during his long years in hiding, the ex-superstar says, "I've been doing all the things that ordinary people do — reading, piddling around the house, I've even got a little garden out back."
This 2004 story of Presley is espically intresting when you consider that some time in the late 1990s, The Weekly World News ran a front cover that said "Elvis Presley Dead!", claiming that he had been living a secret life since 1977, but was now "really dead".
The World's Fattest...
Numerous stories regarding shockingly obese people and animals have made the pages of WWN, the most popular of which being Tonya, the world's fattest cat. After first being discovered, WWN encouraged readers to send in their guesses as to exactly how much they believed Tonya weighed. Weighing in at over 80 lbs, Tonya has been featured being adopted, and possibly sat on by the world's fattest woman. Later stories involved Tonya's attempts to lose weight through the "Catkins" diet, her struggle with anorexia, and claims that she had been eaten by the world's thinnest woman. Other stories have featured the exploits of the world's fattest couple at the gym, the world's fattest baby, and even a similar weight guessing contest featuring the world's fattest dog.
"ALIVE!"
One of the other many recurring subjects is the occasional "ALIVE!" cover story. Most often the story pertains to some sort of human or creature, such as a mummy, prehistoric creature and occasionally a human who has been frozen in a block of ice (ex. Santa Claus.)
Another subject often tackled by WWN is the reemergence of many prominent figures formerly thought to be deceased including Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Adolf Hitler.
Upcoming Economic Depressions
WWN cover stories often feature claims of the onset of a second Great Depression in the immediate future, in which many prominent celebrities, politicians, and icons of business will become penniless. The cover story of the June 5, 2005 issue warned that the second Great Depression was "just weeks away." Because of this, Texas Oil Tycoons were planning to flee to Luxembourg, the only country to survive this economic crash. The consequences of this depression would include:
- An 80% unemployment rate
- A collapse of all the nation's banks, causing them to call in all loans and mortgages, leaving a vast majority of Americans homeless
- An inability to afford any military program at all, forcing America to put an end to the War on terror
- A Somalia-like famine
- Hyperinflation, leaving all paper money worthless
- Enormous mobs of looters, ravaging towns and cities who cannot afford to pay police
- A disease epidemic caused by Americans unable to afford healthcare, including epidemics of cholera, tuberculosis, polio and even the bubonic plague
- The absence of food will force starving citizens to resort to cannibalism of deceased relatives
- China replacing the United States as the world's #1 superpower
- Americans overcome with despair will turn their backs on their religion and return to pagan religions, and possibly sell their soul to Satan. Christians who stubbornly continue to adhere to their religion will burned alive, and have their virgin daughters sacrificed
A follow up in the August 15, 2005 issue reveals plans by China to buy a controlling interest in all of America's banks, effectively buying out the nation's economy. According to the article, China currently owns more than 100 US banks totaling roughly 17 trillion dollars, making them the majority shareholder in America.
Religion and Biblical Relics
Weekly World News is often the first to report the findings of biblical relics, including Noah's Ark, the Garden of Eden, and the discovery of additional commandments from God. The magazine also claims to have obtained information when Jesus will return to Earth. WWN was also the first to discover a pair of sandals worn by Jesus. Other stories claim that natural disasters such as earthquakes have opened up gates and portals to Hell from which demons have escaped which are now wreaking havoc upon the earth. A particularly whimsical story shortly after September 11th, 2001 showed the face of Satan appearing in a cloud of dust caused by towers collapse.
War on Terrorism
Since September 11 2001 WWN has often featured articles exposing plans for possible future terrorist attacks on the United States of America. A 2004 cover story leaked plans by Kim Jong-il to eventually invade and conquer the United States. Other stories have featured profiles on the location and nature of Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, including the news that Saddam Hussein had an arsenal of giant slingshots and Dinosaurs. In 2003, a series of articles profiled the ongoing relationship, and eventual marriage of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Other stories have made claims that Bin Laden is actually a dwarf, that he has recruited a cloned Adolf Hitler to join Al Qaeda or that he is in fact dead and that the CIA is keeping it a secret. Since being captured by Batboy, Saddam has been humiliated by female prison guards, won the United States lottery, and even demanded that the government pay for his sex change operation.
The April 25 2005 issue of WWN revealed a thwarted attempt by terrorists abducted by aliens to hijack their UFO and fly it into the White House.
The Presidency
WWN is often the home to humorous political satire regarding current and past Presidential Administrations. The magazine has made past claims that the founding fathers were all gay and that George Washington was actually a woman. Abraham Lincoln, according to the paper, was mentally insane and his ghost has also been spotted in the White House giving George W. Bush advice on the War in Iraq. Stories regarding George W. Bush usually capitalize on the public's perception that he lacks intelligence. The paper has chronicled his plans to run for pope, and his intention to nominate Yoda as Secretary of Defense. The paper also reported his secret plans to invade the moon (which may possibly be ready to explode and destroy Earth) and mine it for the rich oil reserves discovered underneath. The June 21, 2004 issue even revealed the shocking revelation that Dick Cheney is actually a Robot, and that his frequent trips to the hospital are actually to allow him to get his circuits rewired.
Aliens
Image:Mermaid.jpg Aliens are another subject frequently tackled by WWN. Weekly World News blames these creatures for holes in the ozone.
P'lod
P'lod is an alien who has met with every U.S. President since the election of 1980, had an affair with Hillary Clinton, and gave his endorsement to George W. Bush in the 2000 Presidential Election. P'Lod went into a coma after John Kerry cornered him and bombarded him with his campaign speeches in an attempt to convince him that he should have won the 2004 election. He awoke from his coma in late 2004 after a kiss from Condoleezza Rice.
Cryptids
Cryptids and half-animal half-Human hybrids are frequently the topic of many issues of Weekly World News. Creatures such as Bigfoot, Merpeople, Real-life Catwomen, Half-Alligator Half-Humans, Frog Babies, Kangaroo Women, and many other creatures have swept the world by storm on various covers.
Merpeople
The existence of merpeople is also frequently reported in the pages of the Weekly World News.
The most detailed account from the Weekly World News, recorded a mermaid being caught in a fishing net off of the coast of Florida on April 17. She was at least half-human, very sociable, and extremely intelligent. The mermaid measured five feet from the tip of her upturned nose to the end of her spiny, translucent tail. Experts which talked with WWN reporters say she was able to talk in a sophisticated "three dimensional language" that depends heavily on noises that could possibly be connected to the "click languages" prevalent in parts of Africa and on hand movements that look like sign language instructed to deaf people around the globe. A linguist who had spent several hours with the mermaid at an undisclosed marine study facility in Florida declared that once they are able to establish communication, everything known about human evolution, the specialness of human intelligence, everything thought about fish - "It's all going out the door". Four government agencies (at least) were involved in the care and study of the mermaid, including the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of the Interior; the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and the National Institutes of Health. An unexpected discovery, the only definite goals at the point of her capture were:
- Keeping her alive
- Figuring out how to communicate with her
- Deciding where she belongs in the hierarchy of the animal kingdom
Image:Mermancaught.jpg The location of the research facilty where the mermaid was being studied was never released to the public, but some 'sources' have led to an abandoned seafood-processing plant as an assumed location. DNA testing taking shortly after her capture proved that the mermaid's genes are split between both humans and fish. More definite, Homo Sapiens and a sea bass species that has been extict for over forty thousand years. The pictures confirm the fishermen's verbal description — "Up top, the mermaid has human breasts and arms, a pretty face and long, dark brown hair. Down below, she looks like any other fish, with silvery-blue scales, a sleek, tapered body and broad, powerful fins". U.S. Customs agents labeled the creature "an exotic fish not cleared for importation into the United States". Within hours of the exotic find, she was airlifted to the unknown marine research facility where the government scientists are said to be giving a complete medical check-up to see how closely connected to man is to the bizarre creature. One expert who spoke "If it can be recognized that humans share a substantial amount of genetic coding with the mermaid, the understanding of our origins may change. Instead of looking for missing links between man and monkeys in the jungles of Africa, we'll have to start searching for the missing link between humans and fish, and between humans and merpeople — the mermaids and the mermen. Since she was so strong, two crewmen had to pin down the mermaid to the deck by putting their knees on her shoulders while a third blew marijuana smoke in her face to sedate her. She was placed in an aerated tank that is normally used to keep lobsters and bait fish alive, once she calmed down. President George W. Bush took a keen interest in the mermaid and her well-being. He felt so deeply about the mermaid that he ordered two personal chefs to help with the creature's dietary needs. The dishes which he believed would benefit the half-human, half-fish were "two of his favorite comfort foods — Texas catfish and hush puppies with jalapeño bits. Details were released claiming the mermaid had a hearty appetite, thoroughly enjoying the food. In latest reports, she seems happy, broods when she's left alone, and perks up when she sees a human.
Similar to their female counterparts, mermen are found within the pages of the Weekly World News. On June 17 2003, a merman was reported to have been caught in the South Pacific. The bizarre creature measured 28 inches, significantly shorter than a mermaid caught the following year in a fishing net (which measured five feet from the tip of her upturned nose to the end of her translucent tail). Though this most likely points to the fact that they might have been two separate mermpeople species. Another contributing factor might have been the different area of the world in which it was caught. See also: Fiji Mermaid
Popular culture
- In the 1997 film Men in Black, Tommy Lee Jones' character refers to the Weekly World News as the "best damn investigative reporting on the planet." In the movie, "every story in this paper is true" and leads the agents in their cases.
- In the 1993 movie So I Married an Axe Murderer, Mike Myers' character discovers secrets about his fiancee through clues found in copies of Weekly World News, which is religiously read by his character's mother, played by Brenda Fricker. It is in this movie that the paper is said to have the "8th highest circulation in the world."
- A thug character in The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear is seen reading two different copies of the newspaper.
- In the movie Repo Man, Otto can be seen reading an issue of Weekly World News while sitting at a desk in the office.
- In the movie Twelve Monkeys, a security guard at a mental institution can be seen reading a copy.
- During the 1992 US presidential election campaign, both George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton were photographed reading WWN issues that depicted them meeting with P'Lod. Bush got a hearty laugh from the article and Clinton held his copy up at a campaign stop and joked that it proved his campaign had "universal" appeal. The WWN ran the photos of both candidates reading their publication, for once running pictures that had not been altered.