Shidduch
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Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.
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The practice
In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character and level of religious observance.
A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadchan). A professional shadchan often gets a fee for his/her services. There are variations between communities concerning the agreements between the families of the prospective partners on the couple's future.
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover whether they get along. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get engaged or not.
Positive aspects are that the practice complies with Judaism's outlook on "proper behaviour" between men and women and is intended to prevent promiscuity. It also benefits members of smaller communities who would otherwise have more difficulty to get in touch with potential marriage candidates.
Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with a medical history or active disease, people from broken homes, orphans and people who have been out of touch with Judaism for a period of their lives. Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages.
Backgrounds
The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbour" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, as it is likely to be uncomfortable for the couple, though in no way doomed to be without love, for that is dependent upon the grace of G-d.
The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is dubious. The Medieval Rabbi Nissim of Gerona (commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum to Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).
The Shidduch in Culture
In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye the Milkman's daughters have trouble finding a suitable match. The depiction of their matchmaking as conducted by an old widow named Yente is somewhat on the satirical side.
Shidduchim in history
The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant Eliezer made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis ch. 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).
When Abraham's servant Eliezer proposes to take Rebecca back to Canaan to marry Isaac, he is told by Rebecca's family: "Let us ask the maiden." That is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage, but this does necessarily mean Rebecca had the final say (veto) regarding her arranged marriage, because the final say always belongs to G-d (just look at Israel & Leah). Beyond this, most parents obviously want what is best for their children and wouldn't even think of marrying them to anyone they would not like, so most worries about arranged marriages are simply from "cold feet" anxiety and could happen to anyone planning to get married.
A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427).
Shidduchim and hereditary disease
Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union would result in critically disabled children. Although occasionally receiving criticism, the construction has led to a sharp decline in children suffering (and dying) from Tay-Sachs disease.
Criticism
The process of shidduchim is the subject of some criticism, mainly for being "unromantic" and too closely resembling the practice of arranged marriages. Shidduchim have also proven traumatic for some people with disadvantages (as mentioned above). Yet it appears to be the only viable solution within the Orthodox community for enabling an Orthodox couple to meet and hopefully marry, while adhering to the halakhic strictures of Tzeniut, which tend to limit male-female interaction.
See also
- Bais Yaakov (schools for Haredi girls)
- Jewish view of marriage
- Negiah (guidelines for physical contact)
- Niddah (menstruation laws)
- Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife)
- Role of women in Judaism
- Tzeniut (modest behavior)
- Yichud (prohibitions of secluding oneself with a stranger)
Books
- Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1568711328.
External links
- End The Madness, support for singles who have suffered stigma in the shidduch process.
- The Shidduch Site, provides extensive shiddduch-related information and resources for shidduch-dating singles
- Arranged Marriages? chabad.org
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