Steven Wright

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For the radio broadcaster, see Steve Wright. For the novelist, see Stephen Wright (writer)

Steven Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American actor, writer, and stand-up comedian from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners.

Wright released a comedy album in 1985 entitled I Have a Pony. In 1992, Wright had a recurring role on the television sitcom Mad About You. He later won an Academy Award for his short film, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings. He has also appeared as the voice of the radio DJ in the film Reservoir Dogs.

There are numerous lists of jokes attributed to Wright circulating on the Internet, sometimes of dubious provenance. Wright has stated that "someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad." [1]

In a 2005 poll to find The Comedian's Comedian, he was voted amongst the top 50 comedy acts ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He was recently named #23 on Comedy Central's list of the 100 greatest standups of all time.

in 2006 the Agnostic Exchange Forum [2], an Independent forum, made Steven the Patron Saint of Agnosticism, though only as a tribute, encouraging visitors to pay their appropriate respects in a humorous way.

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Steven Wright One-Liners

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"I got a packet of powdered water but I don't know what to put in it."
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you take the pen."
"I broke a mirror the other day. Seven years bad luck. My lawyer says he can get me five."